The Wednesday before Easter, I saw the eye doctor for the first time in a few years, and it was determined that I needed to have glasses. I was pretty excited about it, because I could see the world so much better. Easter weekend (Thursday-Sunday) was spent with my family. Throughout this weekend, there were a number of occasions where we were all in the car together. My parents have a mini-van. When I'm visiting, I sit in the back. This weekend, my nine year old brother decided to sit in the back with me. We had a lot of fun, silly, and interesting conversations while sitting in the back of the car. At one point, we were talking about my new glasses. He looked at me, and very kindly says "If anyone at work makes fun of you for having glasses, just tell them that you don't care what they think". This small piece of advice, from a nine year old wise beyond his years, was adorable. I never thought it would actually be needed.
The week after Easter, there was a lot of talk about my glasses. The one thing that most stands out to me is a conversation I had with a coworker that went like this:
Me: good morning, how are you today?
Coworker: I'm going to start calling you four eyes
Me: don't do that, that's not nice.
Coworker: *laughs* I know!
This exchange hurt, and made me so proud of my little brother at the same time.
I've spent most of my life feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm worthless, like I'm broken. I have spent most of my life wanting to be normal, wanting to fit in, wanting to be invisible. I have so many things wrong with me, physically and mentally. I try to be proud of who I am as a person, but in the end, I'm sitting here at my computer crying as I type this, thinking about all the ways that people generally can suck. When children are teased and made fun of until they go home and cry and don't want to go back to school, it's called bullying. There is no word to describe an adult being made to feel that way. So the only thing I feel is shame. I feel ashamed and weak because I "can't take a joke". I don't want to go to work because I'm sick of being made fun of.
It hurts to try to deal with some of my physical health issues, and be told that people wish they had my problems. I have to start a new diet because of all of my GI problems. I am absolutely terrified of losing more weight, because I have a hard enough time trying to stay at a healthy weight. But according to some people, at least I don't have to worry about being over weight. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified, of my health taking control of my life again, of me being at risk of dying again, because I can't eat. But if I tell people that... "I wish I could lose weight as easily as you. I wish I didn't have to worry about gaining weight". But if I said the equivalent to anyone who is overweight, it would be considered rude and disrespectful. I hate wearing clothes that actually fit my body because people are constantly pointing out that I'm too thin. Constantly telling me to gain weight, to eat more, to try harder. As if what I'm doing now isn't good enough. But if I said the equivalent to someone who was overweight, it would be considered rude and disrespectful.
I've been dealing with a knee injury since the week before Christmas. The only time I was walking okay and not in pain since then was when I had my tonsils removed. That's simply because I spent the majority of two weeks on very strong pain killers. Since then, it has been determined that I have a partial tear in my meniscus, and a sprained MCL. Prior to this week, there's been a good chance I might need surgery to try to correct these problems. But if I'm at pain at work, and not walking well, I get told I'm not walking right, and I'm limping too much, and I need to try harder, and I need to do things differently.
For much of my adult years, I have dealt with trouble forming words verbally. This is not a constant problem, but anyone who is an active part of my life knows how frustrating it can be for me. Most people who know me well are incredibly understanding and patient with it. Though I haven't been tested for it yet, my doctors, psychiatrist, and therapist all think I might have dyslexia. On top of that I have severe ADHD. The two together can make it hard sometimes for me to clearly vocalize my thoughts. Today, I found myself stumbling over words pretty badly, and the response I got was to be pointed at and laughed at with the comment "dyslexic speech!". Because pointing out that I'm having trouble is apparently the helpful way to go.
Ironically enough, I was also called racist today, over a comment I made that was nowhere close to anything racially discriminatory. It was at the end of the day, I was sick of dealing with all of this shit, so I basically just shut down and focused on my work. A few minutes later, I got a private message saying "you know I don't think you're a racist" followed a few minutes later by a link to a site with images that said "that's racist!".
These are just some of many examples that I could share. I'm not sharing this because I want pity or attention. That is absolutely the last thing I want. If I have to go home and cry to myself and feel like shit, then that's what I'll do. That's one of the benefits of living alone. When I need to cry, I can.
My reason for sharing these feelings is this:
Everyone faces battles in life that you know nothing about. Everyone has troubles, and difficulties. Not everyone sees things the same way you do. Instead of poking fun or pointing out differences and flaws, take the time to offer kindness. Add something positive to the world. Small acts of kindness can go a long way to changing the world. We live in a world consumed with hate, consumed with hurt. The way to change that is not with more hate, but with love. Accepting and embracing the differences of others will make for a better world. Instead of putting others down, see what you can do to bring them up. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Try to make your little piece of it something that others enjoy being a part of. We all have struggles to overcome. We all have challenges and difficulties. Instead of wishing them away, or pointing out someone else's to hide yours, offer kindness. For the world will only become a brighter place when there is less negativity. Life works like batteries - there is only balance when the negative and positive come together. If there is only positive, things fall apart. If there is only negative, things fall apart. We come to appreciate the good times because they are better than the bad. Be the type of person who can help bring something to positive to the negative. Help provide balance. For without balance, the world will end in chaos. Without love, the world will end in pain.
