NOTE: My ADHD meds kind of wore off as I was typing this, so it gets a bit rambly and disconnected, but I think the general message still comes through.
Normally, I just talk about this stuff on Twitter, and with a select few close friends who understand and are strong enough to be there for me when it is needed most. Not everyone is strong enough for that task, and I hold no negative feelings for people who are unable to do it. Supporting someone with mental illnesses is no easy task, and I don't expect everyone to be able to handle it. Talking about it brings education and increased awareness and understanding. It can also bring about relationships with others who may have similar experiences, and can then become part of a bigger support network.
Some of you know pretty well about my battles with mental health issues, but there are a lot of people who do not. I have Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, and Dyslexia (which goes well beyond reading difficulties, like most people understandably believe it to be). I see a psychiatrist monthly for medication management, and a therapist one to two times per week. I've had a lot of trouble in the past with suicidality and suicidal thoughts. This makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But it is a part of my story, and it is another battle that has helped to create the person I am today. I do not have issues with suicidality anymore, and have found enough reasons to keep going that if I were ever to be at that point again, I confidently believe I would not want to act on those thoughts. So don't worry, because I'm okay.
Part of my treatment for some of these is taking antidepressants. These ideally help with Whenever my meds are adjusted, it takes me a few days to get used to them. This transition period, with my current medications, makes me weirdly sad and emotional for a few days. This sadness is not the same type of negative emotion that I experience with general feelings of depression. It's hard to explain. But being depressed, and dealing with medication adjustments, it seems to open up a part of my mind that I normally try to repress. The repression is due to me needing to have control over some feelings, and trying to avoid thoughts spiraling into a dangerously negative place. If I'm not incredibly careful, this can happen quickly, and unexpectedly. It contributes to my anxiety, and to everything else.
But days like today, where I'm starting to feel the effect of the medication adjustment, I seem to be able to control it, which leads to very interesting thoughts. I've been having a hard time with self image positivity recently. Dealing with all of the physical illnesses I've been battling recently has caused a lot of weight loss. It has been expected, but I am medically under weight, and as such I'm unhappy with my body. When I take time to think about it, or to look at myself, what I see is scars, stretch marks from weight fluctuations, bruises, and bones sticking out everywhere. I joke about it a lot with people close to me, but sometimes it can be particularly difficult for me to handle. All of my physical and mental illnesses have left me with a great desire to just be healthy. Not being healthy is hard for me. I know why, but I'm not getting into it here. Today, I was sitting on the floor folding laundry, so it wouldn't wrinkle when I don't have energy to hang it all up. I picked up some dress pants, and realized that they were way too big for me. They are size 4. I then folded a dress, and in doing so realized it was a size small and it was loose on me when I weigh ten pounds more. That led to this train of thoughts...
"Folding clothes that fall around me like a sheet over a skeleton is making me sad. I think that's enough for today. I wish that when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see what you see when you look at me. I wish that when you look at me, you can see what I see, when I look at myself in the mirror. Maybe then we'd understand each other better."
These thoughts were both literal and metaphorical, and they provided a great life lesson.
The literal:
So many people tell me that I'm beautiful, I have a great figure, enviously long legs, cute freckles, perfect hair, great nails, a lovely smile. The list could go on for quite some time. When I look at myself, I see only signs of illness and fatigue. I see all the things that show the result of asthenia. Tired bags under my eyes, trembling hands, trembling muscles, unexplained bruises, rib bones, hip bones, my spine and shoulder blades pushing through my skin, the roots of my hair growing out because I don't have the energy or money to keep up with dyeing it right now, unshaved legs, blood shot eyes, acne, and so much more.
The way we see ourselves often varies quite differently from the way others see us. When I'm out with my closest friends, I can make jokes about having great legs, or being gorgeous, fabulous, etc. But the question is, do I believe it? The answer, more often than not, is no. If I believed it, it wouldn't make me uncomfortable when people tell me I'm pretty, or give a genuine compliment on my physical appearance. How many of us experience these same feelings and thoughts in similar situations? Being unhappy with how we look, wishing for something different.
The metaphorical:
A lot of the time, we do not see situations the same way that others do. Me being sick has become my entire life right now. Anyone who knows me well is very aware of how hard this is for me. In spite of that, I've been met with people who don't believe I'm as sick as I am. I've faced people telling me I shouldn't be so negative about my responses when people ask how I'm doing. I've had to find ways to accept things that I am unable to do, and the rejection of people who are not willing to help, because they don't think it's that bad. It can be very difficult for me to try to understand their thoughts. Especially when they're wrong. It has often felt like I'm being met with people who don't believe me, who don't trust me, who don't care much about me. But I've also noticed recently that the people who are most understanding are the people who I've seen regularly. They are able to see how my body is shutting down, and see the pains I experience. They have been able to watch the constant decline in my condition. I don't have to do anything more than ask for help, and there are people willing to travel two hours or more just to give me a hand with something like going to the pharmacy, getting groceries, and doing laundry. Sometimes, what I've found myself wishing most from others is for them to understand what I'm going through. But when I think about it more honestly, I realize that the only people who could possibly understand how these past several weeks have been are the people who know me best, and people who have been through similar situations on their own. I have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for the people who have supported me through this battle. But I would not wish something like this on anyone.
The Life Lesson:
In life, we often see situations, people, feelings, events, etc. through a lens created by our own experiences. People with poor body image have often learned that they are "less than" because of things they have experienced. These experiences could be as close as negative comments from parents and siblings, or living in a time when the societal view of the desirable differs from our own attributes. The entirety of human history has been created, developed, changed, because of the ways in which we see and classify the differences of others. Wars have happened because of differences between cultures, and by the way they are handled. As humans, we often dislike and dismiss that which is different. If we are unable to dismiss it, we try to control it. Facing differences in others makes us more aware of our individual features, and that which we try to avoid. The attempt to ignore, hide from, and control the differences of others happens so we can remain comfortable with our lives, maintaining a sense of safety and normalcy. Because of that need for control and comfort, we have experienced slavery, wars, elimination of entire cultures, separation, discrimination.
As a species, history has shown that we do not like to be wrong. We do not like to be "less than". We do not like to be uncomfortable. These desires cause us to ignore or eliminate differences. It is foreign, different, abnormal, for someone to experience constant pain and illness in a society of advanced medical technology. It is uncomfortable to think of and accept someone's life as being controlled by illness. Because of this, we often shield it from our view. We create places to hide the sick from our view, we push people away so we don't have to think about disease, malfunction, differences; we do this so we don't have to feel bad about making excuses for not being there.
We don't fully understand the things we don't see, feel, experience personally. So the majority of people cannot truly be understanding and supportive. Sometimes, the kindest people in life are those that have experienced the most pain. Sometimes, the worst people we meet are those who have never had to see the imperfections of the world. The shielding of the negative in life leads to emotional barriers, to maintain the comfort of these distorted views.
But what if we take a moment to step back, to truly see all aspects of a situation? What happens when we contemplate an experience, and do so by looking outside of ourselves? Compassion, kindness, and understanding come from holding an outward view on the world, rather than an inward view. Take a moment to consider how situations effect others too. But don't just consider other views. Try to understand them, try to feel the emotions, see the logic, accept the different and uncomfortable. When we increase our views, put down our shields, let in the truths, it can make us uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable because it is different. When we push past those uncomfortable feelings, we can often find ourselves to be more empathetic, kind, helpful, and understanding. We look less at what is wrong with our lives, and appreciate more of the simple things in life. We can see more beauty when we allow ourselves to see and accept more pain.
There is beauty in all parts of life. We just have to let it in. We have to open ourselves to others, be the people we feel the world needs.
We cannot and will not live in a better world by shutting out differences and discriminating. Instead of putting people down or pushing them away, we should be trying to lift people up and bring more sunshine into their lives. We can only change the world for the better with kindness, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and love.
In the end, how much and how well you give love to the world will be what matters most. We cannot live a life of things. When you look back on your life, will it matter more that you spent time, money, and effort on acquiring things? Or will you look back on your life, and value the memories, experiences, and accomplishments that happened as a result of opening yourself up, and seeing beyond yourself?
Be the person you wish for others to be. Be the person you think the world needs. Give kindness and understanding instead of judgment and discrimination. Push past the discomforts and shelters, so that you may live a more balanced life. Above all else, give love, especially where it is needed the most.
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